Locking it Down: My Hilarious Stay at Allenwood Federal Prison PA

Have you ever been locked up in a federal prison? Well, I have! And let me tell you, it was a hilarious experience. Now, don’t get me wrong; I don’t condone criminal activities. But sometimes, life takes unexpected turns, and you find yourself in some weird situations. Here are some of the things that made my stay in Allenwood Federal Prison PA a funny one.

First Impressions Are Everything

The moment I arrived at the prison, I knew I was in for a wild ride. The officer who booked me in had a stern look on his face, like he was about to send me to my death. I tried to lighten the mood by cracking a joke, but he didn’t find it funny. I guess prison officers have a strict ‘no-laughs’ policy.

After the booking, I was taken to my cell to get settled. Now, I had watched enough prison movies to know that cells are supposed to be cramped, dirty, and infested with rodents. But to my surprise, my cell was spotless, and the bed looked comfy. I even had a small window with a view of the yard. It made me wonder if I was in prison or in a hotel.

Boredom Is A Dangerous Thing

If there’s one thing I learned during my stay at Allenwood, it’s that boredom is a dangerous thing. I had never felt so bored in my life. There’s only so much staring at the wall, and working out you can do before you start to lose your mind. Here are some of the things I did to survive the boredom.

The Great Escape

No, I didn’t actually escape from the prison. But I did break out of my cell once. I had seen enough prison escape movies to know that I needed a plan. So, I spent a week studying the layout of the prison, the guards’ movements, and the weak spots in the walls. I even had a map and a toolkit to help me with the escape.

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One night, I decided it was time to make my move. I waited until the guards had done their rounds and began chipping away at the wall. It took me two hours, but I finally made a hole big enough to squeeze through. I was halfway out of the wall when I heard the alarm go off. Turned out, I had accidentally triggered one of the motion sensors. I spent the next two weeks in solitary confinement, but it was totally worth it.

The Prison Pooch

I’m a dog person, so you can imagine how happy I was when I heard that the prison had a dog training program. I signed up for it, and soon enough, I was paired up with a dog named Buster. Buster was a tough nut to crack. But once I earned his trust, we became inseparable. We spent our days training, playing, and relaxing in my cell. I even taught him a few tricks, like how to fetch me a newspaper.

The Prison Library

When I wasn’t training Buster or plotting my escape, I spent most of my time in the prison library. It wasn’t the biggest library I had ever seen, but it had enough books to keep me busy for months. I read everything from Shakespeare to Stephen King. I also discovered the joys of audiobooks, which made me feel like I was sitting in a movie theater instead of a prison cell. I even wrote my own book, titled ‘My Hilarious Stay at Allenwood Federal Prison PA’, which is now a bestseller.

The Food Wasn’t Terrible

When people think of prison food, they imagine a grayish blob in a metal tray. But, to my surprise, the food at Allenwood wasn’t terrible. Here are a few meals that stood out during my stay.

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Ramen Noodle Cake

It might sound gross, but the Ramen Noodle Cake was one of the best things I had ever tasted. It’s a simple dish that involves crushing up a pack of Ramen noodles and mixing them with some hot water and spices. The mixture is then placed in an oiled pan and cooked until golden brown. I even wrote a cookbook, titled ’50 Ways to Cook Ramen Noodles in Prison’, which is now being used in several prisons across the country.

Sloppy Joes

I didn’t expect to have a gourmet meal while in prison, but the Sloppy Joes were surprisingly good. They had a perfect balance of sweet and savory flavors, and the meat was tender and juicy. I even asked for the recipe, but the kitchen staff refused to tell me. I guess it’s a closely guarded secret.

Thanksgiving Turkey

I had never been a fan of turkey before, but the Thanksgiving dinner at Allenwood changed my mind. The turkey was slow-cooked to perfection, and the stuffing was packed with flavors. I even had seconds and thirds. It made me realize that sometimes, it takes a prison meal to appreciate good food.

The Final Word

My stay at Allenwood Federal Prison PA was a unique experience, to say the least. I met some interesting people, went on some wild adventures, and ate some surprisingly good food. If I had to do it again, I probably wouldn’t, but I’m glad I did it once. It taught me that even in the darkest of times, there’s always a glimmer of humor to be found.

Meal Taste Verdict
Ramen Noodle Cake 9/10 The perfect comfort food
Sloppy Joes 8/10 Worth the calories
Thanksgiving Turkey 7/10 Made me forget that I was in prison
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  1. Federal Bureau of Prisons
  2. Allenwood Federal Prison PA
  3. The Great Escape movie
  4. Shawshank Redemption movie
  5. Cooking Ramen Noodles in Prison Blog